My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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