I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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