i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Pooping to opera.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
