the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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