You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
