she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
