Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
