Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
bring money and cleavage
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
