Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
