A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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