hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
