considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
