I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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