So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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