Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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