Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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