Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
