I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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