Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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