My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
