I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
