i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
