That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
