i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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