I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
