he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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