Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
