bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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