i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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