I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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