I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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