Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
