...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
