You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
