Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
