Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
