I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
