Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
