you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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