cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I looked at my own cervix.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
