woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
