Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
