Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize