Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
