when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
they're like a gay fantastic four
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
