Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
