remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
All I want is dick and wine.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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