So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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