your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
