Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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